Four years ago, I bought a used Saturn for $2,000 more than it was worth, but what else could I expect? So, it's done me good for all this while, taking me over 70,000 miles since I bought it. It's gas mileage has been phenomenal as well, so all in all, I've been very pleased with no-frills "Chip".
But lately it's been getting worn quite a bit. Last year, in an early-morning drowsy haze, I pulled out to narrowly from a parallel spot and shear my right mirror off the side of the vehicle (some J-B weld holds it on today). Then last winter I slid through an icy turn into a steep sidewalk curb, cracking my cheesy plastic hubcap. Then, just recently, the door's been giving me problems; I have to jiggle my keys into the lock for a minute at times to open the door. A shimmy could probably be quicker. Then, a few days ago, paint spilled all over my passenger seat.
My name is George Kovats, and I own a beater.
Definition Woman Motorist defines a beater car as: "a minimal car that is not expected to provide more than basic transportation."
I like this definition, but people think of beaters in different ways. Some think of their beaters as a car that is meant to be abused, while I tend to think it's a car you have lost all aesthetic and technical appreciation for.
Sometimes you buy a beater, and sometimes your car becomes a beater. Say your Dodge Stratus is a frequent visitor of the garage, but you're still pleased with it's external appearance... until it get rearended by the daily idiot driving out of the liberty tunnels (not thinking of any car in particular Don, honest). That dent in your bumper eventually becomes the visible proof, that badge of "beater-dom" that sticks in your mind. At that point, you look at your car in a new light: it'll get me to and from work, and that's all I expect from it. That's a beater.
But let's say you're still not convinced you own a beater. Here's some Foxworthy-like signs that, indeed, you own a bonified beater.
There's a "trick" to starting your car.
Your car has seen more than two presidential administrations.
The nicest thing about its interior is a dreamcatcher air freshener.
The nicest thing about its exterior is a set of "ghetto rims".
It makes an awful noise everyone is scared by but you're used to.
It still has an original, stock 8-track player.
The only way you could break the speed limit is if your were falling... off a cliff... with fat passengers.
One door is affectionately named "Robo Door" because it's missing its paneling.
Your car doesn't have power steering (if only you realized what a pain it is).
You can identify with any part of Adam Sandler's "Piece of Sh-t Car" song.
You find yourself replacing its motor oil more often than its windshield washer fluid.
That "smell" still hasn't gone away yet.
Your backseat has become your combination tool shed - junk drawer - storage closet.
The only times you remember using your jumper cables were on your own car.
You've seen your car used as a firing range target.
You've used your car as a firing range target.
Your car is named after any mythical creature.
To date, people still don't recognize the model of your car ("What the hell is a Ford Fournada?" )
You use the dents and scratches in your car to pick it out in a parking lot.
You avoid using your car on a first date,... or second, or third, or tenth.
You can rev your engine at stop lights to get a few laughs.
These are just a few of my ideas of a beater. You can add to the list as you like; we still know what we're talking about. It's a car to have fun with. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, all a car really is is a means of transportation. All cars eventually break down, and some sooner and more frequently than others.
Sure, you can get seat covers, rims, fuzzy dice, or whatever you may to cover up the Ford Fiesta sitting outside your apartment. But, when you finally dub your car an official "beater", isn't it nice to know that there's one less thing in your life you have to care about?
You might own a beater if...
But let's say you're still not convinced you own a beater. Here's some Foxworthy-like signs that, indeed, you own a bonified beater.
You've seen your car used as a firing range target.
These are just a few of my ideas of a beater. You can add to the list as you like; we still know what we're talking about. It's a car to have fun with. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, all a car really is is a means of transportation. All cars eventually break down, and some sooner and more frequently than others.