Since I moved South, my Northeastern buddies have asked me, "George,
what's the South like? Does everyone own a John Deere, play banjos, carry
shotguns and drink moonshine?"
Well, the answer is yes, that's an accurate depiction of much of what
I've seen. However, to be more specific, let me boil it down a little for those
not "in the know" with a little FAQ.
1. What the hell are Hoot n' Nannies, Jamborees
and Hoe Downs?
To dispel the misconception, hoe-downs don't happen all the time.
They only happen when folk are a' messin around, and they get to feelin' "dancy".
For a proper hoe down, at least one brown jug, one wash board, and one drunken
"Pappy" must be present.
Now, a jamboree is more like a planned hoe-down. You don't just expect
jamborees to start in the middle of the street, but if the NASCAR race
just finished with Jeff Gordon finishing dead last, then you can expect a
hoe-down.
Hoot n' nannies are just whimsical occurrences. If a pig farts and a
group of people laugh, that could possibly have been a real hoot n' nanny,
depending on the perspective.
2. What's up with that whole NASCAR thing?
If you've ever heard someone say that NASCAR is America's favorite sport and
thought, "what kind of a retard is this person," you stand
corrected. I can tell you right now, aside from college and high school football,
it's all about NASCAR down here.
I can give you two reasons: 1) Budweiser, Home Depot, and Viagara act as part
sponsors and part shopping-list-reminders for dazed spectators, and 2) if your
favorite driver sucks, you can pick another one and not have to worry about the
"home team". That's one thing that NASCAR fans are ahead of the game on;
if you're a baseball fan in Pittsburgh or a basketball fan in Atlanta, you're
pretty much screwed, but a NASCAR fan can watch his favorite driver do 500 circles
in any city.
3. Is it really like Jeff Foxworthy affectionately
describes?
Yes. That, mixed with the Burt Reynolds movie, "Cannonball Run".
Or "Deliverance". The one with the toothless drunken guy and Dom DeLuise.
I get those two mixed up all the time.
4. Do they really think the Civil War is still
going on?
Well, you saw the last election. You tell me?
Seriously,... I don't know. I want to say no, but I'm afraid if I ask the
question directly, my Yankee ass will get severely "musketed".
5. What sitcom best depicts the South?
Dukes of Hazard, Hee-Haw or In the Heat of the Night?
What's with the damn questions already? What is this, friggin' 20 questions
about the South?
6. You started this George. What the hell do
you know, anyway? You're in Atlanta! Isn't that like the New York City of the South?
Yes, in fact there are about 2 remaining residents in Atlanta that were
originally born here. Everyone else sports an out of state license plate of
some kind. In fact, I've probably met more Boston natives here than Georgia
natives. It's nuts.
Still, the "South" intrigues. Now that I'm slowly assimilating,
it's a matter of time before I get my Confederate flag slapped across the
back window of my truck with "No Fear" mud flaps and a worn circle
in my back jeans pocket from Copenhagen tins. Like Hank Williams Jr. said,
"now if that ain't country, you can kiss my ...".
Or was that David Allen Coe? I'm still a bit too Yankee to tell.
SO...
All in all, the South ain't so bad. I do recommend any NorthEasterner that
plans on any extended stay in the South to do two things: listen to one David
Allen Coe CD in it's entirety, and slowly work through a bottle of Jack Daniels.
You should be ship shape and ready for South the Mason-Dixie!
