Tis' the Season of Burnt Chestnuts once again

Oh yes, it's yet another year come and gone. You could tell it was coming back around Halloween-time when Christmas decorations were taking the place of what should have been batman costumes in Walmarts across America. Yes, the cynic in me (which has been a bit overbearing as of late) can see department stores have got us consumers nice and primed this season for a shopping frenzy! Oh, that well is `a primed and ready!

So primed in fact that Santa Claus was named the #1 richest fictional characters by Forbes Magazine. His net worth - "infinite". Sure, Forbes gives a quaint little bio for the jolly patron saint of seasonal sales, but his infinite worth's probably... on the money. (Oooh, a haphazard pun!!)

Ahem.

Still, you figure he man (allegedly fictional by Forbes' account) literally obliges Christian parents to splurge on their kids. Now that's marketing power! That's a million times better than any lucky leprechaun or goofy giraffes the ad execs can come up with! People actually buy PSP's and tickle-me-Elmo's based on the idea of this one man's service.

I know somewhere, Sam Walton thanks you kind sir. And while your at it, he's interested in a few of your labor tips. Are those elves on State healthcare?

The Best of 2005?

At the top of the Christmas list for Americans - that is, all of us who celebrate it (I'll hit that later) - is obviously XBox 360.

Going with my general theme of staying uninformed for my own protection, I'm purely speculating when I say that the new Xbox is able to travel through time! That's right, Bill Gates has personally mastered Time Travel and priced it for you at $399 a pop. The new system will also be able to store up to 10 MP3's, and function as a blood dialysis machine for lucky liver patient gamers everywhere!

Again, another reason why Microsoft is richer than... say,... me.

Aside from the crooked flag's contribution to the 2K5 Xmastacular, I don't know of anything else that's really making little boys and girls pee their pants in anticipation. Tickle-me-Elmo's and Cabbage Patch Dolls don't seem to happen every season. There's a few honorable mentions like the video iPod, an MP3 player that plays video. So, the next time you're rear-ended by a distracted midtown driver, there will be one more possible factor in the accident. You or he could have been watching Turner and Hootch while listening to 4 Non Blondes.

Still, with lackluster performance from tech giants, the holiday spirit is still very alive this season. That's right, Shopper Trampling `05 has been another successful season. Yes, Pat VanLester of Orange City, Florida (who'd have guessed Florida could make news?) was trampled reaching for a $29 DVD player. Her sister was quoted saying "All they cared about was a stupid DVD player." Obviously, that's not what waiting out in the cold for two hours on Black Friday morning is all about. For shame!

To me, people getting trampled on Black Friday to like people getting trampled during Spain's running of the bulls. The only difference is bulls don't have credit.

Getting serious for a second...

During this time of war, may we pray for peace and a forthcoming end to the War on Christmas, as well as the War on the War on Christmas. My Christian brethren, I stand by you in this fight of oppression. We may be small - only 75% of America - but if we press this issue now, we may one day have an openly Christian president. Maybe even 43 in a row, as Job Stewart once noted.

To my offended non-Christian brethren, you're getting the day off of work anyway. So, Merry Christmas, and have a Happy not-yet-controversial-New Year!

To those stuck in Secret Santas, or somehow know they're receiving a present from someone and are tacitly obliged to return a similar cheap gift, may I suggest give cash instead of gift cards. Cash says, "skies the limit - that is, as long as the sky costs $10." But a gift certificate says, "hey, I know nothing about your taste in restaurants or shopping, but this place was on my way home last weekend."

If you're stuck actually buying something, may I suggest a little book that suits all types of people. $11.99, Barnes & Noble, surefire hit. Hey, you're welcome.

-George