Another Notch on the Belt

01.28.07

I was a "husky" kid.

Like America, I had a weight problem growing up, generally because our family ate a lot, and because I would fit copious sums of food in my stomach when we ate. We had a cooked dinner every night at home, we didn't know what fast food was and I didn't see candy unless it was Halloween, but it was a lot of food. Put simply, you'll never go hungry in the Kovats house. More likely, you'll probably have to keep telling my Mom, "no, really Mrs. Kovats, I'm not hungry."

When I was 15, I started to see a second chin forming on me, and it finally scared the vaJesus out of me. I knew I was "husky" (love that word - it's mainly used by moms), but now I was nearing fat! I didn't want to be the fat kid - I wanted a girlfriend and a pants size you can readily find in most stores, not painted Warcraft figurines and mint condition comic books. So, I started on a fat-free diet, which was popular at the time. It was really less a diet and more a witch hunt for all lurking forms of fat in my meals. Fat-free cheese, fat-free hot dogs, fat-free milk, fat-free margarine, fat-free salad dressing - wherever fat lurked, I was avoiding it. Then, I tacked on sugar to my enemies list, and before long, I dropped about 40 lbs in one summer. No kidding - it was pretty dramatic.

Of course, I inevitably stopped the nutty fad-diet and returned to more normal eating. Like many, today I enjoy being perpetually 5-10lbs over my ideal weight (OK, 15). Still, having gone through this experience, it interests me to see how others approach the topic of dieting and weight control.

For starters...

It amazes me how a group of gay men have convinced America that lanky, bone-thin women are attractive. You can't explain it any other way - who else but people that have no idea what makes women appealing to the opposite sex would propose removing all their best traits? "Dammit Sheila, I can still see your figure - go gag yourself, you pig!"

The fallout of this is sad because it's damaging to young girls, but it's also hilarious because we get to see lemming actresses torture themselves so they can fit into clothing meant for second graders. For instance, did you know there's a size 0 for women? Do you know that at one time, the concept of zero was a discovery that some cultures didn't have until the middle ages? In this light, some womens' very clothing size required a feat of mathematics. What's the next size under zero?! Dead?!

Then, there's the nutjobs who start out in life obese, turn a new leaf, and become health nazis, eating grape leaves and riding stair masters four hours a day. You usually see these walking time-bombs working as fitness trainers on TV programs, yelling at other fat people who are trying to lose weight. They always seem to come up with the most unappealing diets for people who are used to greasy, carnivorous, American meals. "Sam, I've replaced your baby back ribs and sweet cornbread with a dried rice cake topped with 2 skinless anchovies and a sprig of grass."

Naturally this makes for great TV, because no human can make that type of leap without slipping up SOMEWHERE. And of course, as soon as the dieters break their all-natural torture diets with a single Reese's peanut-butter cup, the frenzied nut-job trainer is right their to make the person feel like human waste. I'm just waiting for one of these trainers to snap like a rubber band and start beating their clients with a stale cruller, yelling fat slurs and crying about their childhood. You know at any given moment, it's only a kit-kat away from happening.

All in moderation - including fitness

I appreciate fitness like the next guy or gal. I like to fake fitness myself, so I know how important it is. But, at some point, a gym routine can turn into a cult. Anyone that spends more than... I'd say, 5 hours a week at the gym is borderlinenuts in my book. Gyms are lousy places you pay to sweat inside of, lifting and moving weights to accomplish nothing and running in place to go nowhere. That's why most people are either thinking about getting a gym membership, or have a gym membership that they've long stopped using. Their swipe cards makes a great accessory on your key chain.

Of course there's always the fad diets. I knew the "no-fat" diet well, but that's just one in a veritable ocean of diets. 98% of them generally work like this: To avoid the cause of all fat - which is   enemy food   - you must eat a strict regimen of   packaged diet food brand   everyday. If you're good, you can eat a healthy 3 oz. serving of nonfat, sugar-free ice-milk after dinner. For some reason, fad diets never seem to point to overeating and lack of activity as culprits. They like generally like answers with more of a scientific mystique. "Most people can't metabolize water completely. That's why you need 8 servings of our special brand, engineered sawdust every day."

An even creeper byproduct from weight obsession are these diet pills. You know - the commercials that show a guy who looks like an out of shape body builder, and then the same guy back in shape again, as if the pills gave him muscles and a tan. You ever see these pills in the store? They run in the ballpark of $30 - $50 for a 3 week supply. That's some leap of faith you have to make in order to believe chemistry will harmlessly battle ho-hos in your body... and win. Anytime you see lab coats in a commercial, you should be immediately suspicious. The only "all-natural" diet aide I know of that can help you loose 10 pounds a week is a tapeworm. If the pill makes bigger promises than a parasite, you need to reexamine your shopping cart.

Fade to stock footage of fat people walking

You may aspire to live an organic, stress releasing, cardio-aerobic, fit-'n-free, 8% body fat lifestyle, but we're Americans. We chew stress for breakfast with our morning coffee, and we close the day with enormous amounts of red meat and potatoes. That's who we are - live hard, die young, red-blooded Americans. We didn't become this way through spin classes and power walking. There were no vegans on the beaches of Normandy in the summer of 1944 (unless they were French). We age, we grow, and we wear sweat pants. It's who we are. Sure it's nice to keep your belt length under 10 feet and to be able to visually inspect your genitalia when the occasion arises, but you can't live life beating yourself up over extra pounds. Get a Hawaiian shirt and move on, because surprisingly enough, the only thing worse than being overweight is losing your personality to the obsession of being thin.

- GK